I am a person of Faith. I believe in God with my whole heart and soul. I don’t believe He gave this illness to our family because He is making some kind of point or trying to teach us some lesson. (Although, I would be lying if I didn’t admit to analyzing every detail of ever day, praying I find the lesson.) I believe that Scott’s body betrayed him. I believe that God saw this coming, and placed us, here, in this town, for a reason.
On my way to work, I want to believe the message at a local mechanic, is intended for me: DON’T BELIEVE in MIRACLES RELY ON THEM. As I am driving down the road, trying to focus on my destination, I want to believe that God is talking to me and handing me signs. I want the fact that “our song” comes on the radio station that doesn’t play oldies from the mid-nineties, to be a sign that it’s going to be OK. I want to believe that God gave me this job to keep our family on track. I want to believe that being at work is the right thing to do, because while everyone’s days are numbered, we have MANY DAYS TOGETHER.
I want to believe in the power of prayer and miracles. I want all of this so bad, there aren’t even words out there to express HOW BAD I WANT TO KNOW IT WILL BE OK.
Tonight, the love of my life looked at me and said, “Don’t lose hope. We need it. Stay positive; it’s all we can do.” I want it to be that simple. I want to believe that everything is actually going to be OK. I want to believe in the future, while reveling in this moment.
Words cannot express the love and support we are feeling from our family and friends, near and far. Thank you is not enough, but it’s all I have.
Oh sweet girl…I’ve got tears running down my face right now and I know that telling you that is not enough. So I’ll tell you how very much I admire your strength and faith in God. I will admit to you that I’m ashamed to say that my own faith has faltered…and that cancer has something to do with it. I do not understand how God is able to choose a mother to young children and call her home while simultaneously allowing a drug-abuser heavy-drinker father of nobody to remain when the odds were against him (somebody I worded with years ago in case you thought it was in reference to a previous post or something).
I don’t get it. I don’t understand why God is allowing for your sweet husband’s body to “turn against him” as you say. But I do get that your husband is right and that you MUST have HOPE. I can’t tell you how many times I’m thinking about you every hour, every day….and we’ve never met. Surely there must be power in that. It’s your words that have allowed you to share this with me. With everybody who is HERE, commenting or reading or just silently praying for you and your family….
Thank you, for your words. I know how hard it must have been to tear them from your soul and then put them out there, here. So thank YOU. <3
And gorgeous photo, by the way…
Courtney,
I really love your perspective—that Scott’s body is failing him but God is helping you to deal with it. God didn’t do this to him, it’s just something that happened. And now you must rely on God to get you through, and He will. I’m sure some days are better than others. Some days you probably feel like you have it all together while others you feel you can’t move forward. But you can and you will. Keep the positivity up. Keep looking for signs from God—they are all around you.
Hugs.
I think that sign is perfect, Courtney. “Don’t believe in miracles. Rely on them.” I so admire your faith. During all the scary stuff, it can be so hard to keep perspective or even begin to understand anything. I wish I had something brilliant to say, but know how much I am praying for you and your family. Keeping it together for your kids must be so hard too–praying for strength specifically…
Courtney I read your story & it truly inspired me. I believe that God placed that’s sign to give you stra hope and let you trust him
Courtney I truly believe God placed at sign in front of you to give you strength to continue to believe and not lose faith. Remember God only gives us what he thinks we can handle and maybe this is a sign that will only make our families love stronger. Your husband will get better because you are a Christian family. I will be praying for all of you. Today I was thinking about my grandson and how I see some signs of autism because I worry about him not speaking and he will be two. I worry for my son and his wife and what they will think if I approach them. Your story gives me strength & faith! God bless
Thinking of you Courtney, and praying for the good health and happiness of your gorgeous family.
maggie