June 18, 2012
Two years ago, the kids and I flew out of New England and landed in our new life in Nebraska. Scott, on the other hand, drove out of New England and eventually met us here too. On one hand, I can remember EVERYTHING about living in Maine. The smells, the job, the yellow house on the hill. I remember the accents and eventually, when I no longer heard the accents. I remember walks on the beach, our friends, the curvy roads, our adventures, and our life. I do remember it ALL. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I didn’t think about it EVERYDAY. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wonder: What if? What if we stuck it out another year? What if we never moved? I’d also be lying if I denied MANY conversations around our table where Scott and I say, “What were we thinking? Was life that hard there? What really happened that made Nebraska look so good???”
Two years later, life IS good. We are adjusting, the kids are happy. The kids LOVE Nebraska. They are LOVING being with their grandparents, cousins, activities, and they both are happy in the midwest. They both talk about the future. Sometimes, for Ana, her future involves a farm, the Midwest, it always involves animals. For McCartney, it always involves baseball, sometimes he hopes for Husker baseball if he can’t go straight to the pros out of high school. They LOVE the Midwest, at times they both hate it too, so I guess they are both Midwesterners and Main-ahs!
Scott and I are back to wondering…Where do we belong? We don’t really feel like we fit in here. We didn’t fit in completely in Maine, have never really felt that way in Nebraska, and I definitely am not a South Dakota girl, despite the first 18 years of life. Where do we belong??? TOGETHER and I think that is all the answer that God is going to give us for now.
This past winter, I have done LOTS of soul-searching while cleaning, working out, looking for jobs, and even writing. I think I finally KNOW what brought us away from Maine. It wasn’t the kids, family, or the reasons we had at the time. It wasn’t stress, money, or the things we could account. It wasn’t the normal job I had, or Scott’s schedule. It wasn’t our lack of couple time. All of those things could have been fixed, or waited out. It was the in the 8 years we lived in Maine, while ALL of those things were taking place, Scott and I stopped DREAMING. We completely LOST who we were as a couple. We are dreamers, with big ideas, no mortgage, and while living in Maine was the answer to ONE dream, our life there was slowly taking away ALL of the other dreams we had.
Once we stopped dreaming, we stopped laughing, playing, smiling, joking, having fun. I stopped looking for art. Life became hard and dark. Even the easy things seemed hard. Scott and I were lost when our dreams were gone.
We thought the dream was to live by the Ocean with our two kids. We were doing that, however, once you do that at 30, you are supposed to create new dreams and that’s where we failed. All of our time and efforts were put into saving for plane tickets, daycare, treatments for our son, cars, LIFE. The new dreams were gone. Photography was something to do, not a dream job any more.
Now, two years later, we have new dreams and goals (and we still don’t have a mortgage). We have new places we want to see, new ideas, and new dreams that are farther, harder to reach. We are becoming Scott and Courtney again. Slowly, little by little, we are getting there. The future is unknown, but the dreams are there, and that is a WONDERFUL feeling.