The truth: The last month or so, I’ve been a sad, cranky, basket case. The ugly cry everyday, how will I live through another moment, basket-case. I’ve been sad and grieving. Everyone keeps telling me I’m allowed to feel this way, so I did. I know I need to feel sad, in order to grieve. However, sadness is not the only emotion.
Every time someone in life or online said, “You’re an inspiration…” or “I’m so proud of you…” I’ve felt like a fraud. I haven’t been living, instead I’ve tackling that never ending to do list that never gets shorter, only gets longer, no matter how many tasks I do. I haven’t been enjoying any moments, just surviving one to live another, and not even live those moments well.
Like I said before, I handed in my master’s paper and didn’t feel happy. I’m getting published in a book, and I didn’t feel happy.
Instead, I cried and wrote, and cried some more that night. There was no celebration, no accomplished feeling. I kept them away from myself, and that is not acceptable!
Sunday, I woke up and cried some more. I wondered, “How will I be happy again? Will it ever be possible?”
Then I asked myself a question that I haven’t asked in fourteen years: “What makes Courtney (the ONE person) happy?” I love taking pictures, but not just taking pictures; I love capturing the real moment. I love writing, but the words need to come and be forced out of my head.
I ran errands, tackled more of the list, and pondered that question. “What will it take to be happy? It has to be possible and I have to try it today.” I read some scripture, and inspirational books, but the answers didn’t come. However, one thing I needed to do, was made clear.
That’s when I made a pact with myself: Find a moment of happiness every single day. Always. Forever. I’m allowed to grieve, but I’m also allowed happiness. After all, isn’t that what Scott wanted more than anything?
I hate pressure and to do lists, so it doesn’t have to be complicated or a year long commitment. Just a commitment for today, tomorrow, and everyday. It sounds simple, do able, and well-rounded. Yes, I can be sad, BUT I can also be happy.
Yesterday, I found a moment to process two pictures. Those pictures made me feel happy.
Today, I wore sandals all day. Every time I felt irritated, I stopped and thought, “It’s warm enough to wear sandals! Yay!”
Guess what? In those moments, I felt happy. Having moments of happiness made today a bit brighter, easier, and gave me more energy.
I also felt sad sometimes; and that’s Ok, because I also felt happy today.