I honestly never thought I would have to live without you. When the day came that you left, I couldn’t believe how at peace I felt about your eternity. I knew you were in a better place, without pain. I breathed a deep breath, relieved that you were happy and pain-free. That feeling was short-lived.
Don’t get me wrong, everyday, I am thankful you are without pain. I am thankful for your happiness and it comforts me on the darkest of days. I am selfish. I am human. I want you here with me. The day you died, I lost half of my heart, and the remains are still shattered.
Years later, I’m still trying to put the pieces back together. They have been placed together little by little, just like you wanted and instructed.
Everyday, I try to live for you, for us, the way we intended. I can’t lie to you today, I still miss you more than the words exist to explain.
Every smile I plaster on my face, every tear I withhold, every time I lie when I say, “I’m good! How are you?” I miss you.
Every morning I pull myself out of bed to take care of our crazy children, I miss you.
Every time I hear our song on the radio, see evidence of our inside jokes, or want to quote a movie, I miss you.
Every time I sit in the repair shop, or take a pet to the emergency room, I miss you.
Every walk I take, workout I do, and time I accidentally sleep in, I miss you.
Every time I hate my hair, body, or career, I miss you.
Every day I go to work to function as a living a person, every bill I pay, every lawn I mow, I miss you.
Every game I attend, every cheer I say, and picture I snap, I miss you.
Every feeling that gets hurt, rude comment I hear, and hatred I see, I miss you.
Every new experience, every win and loss for our kids, everyday, I miss you.
I miss you on the bad days, the good days, the amazing days, and every day in between.
I still shed tears for you and will for my lifetime. I have learned how to be without you. I’ve learned to laugh and live despite this constant pain I feel from your loss. I’ve learned how to be sad, but act happy. I’ve learned how to miss you for the rest of my life.
Someday, we’ll meet again and until we do, I miss you.
The One Left Behind