I don’t know my way home from the airport. I know the general direction; and that it’s full of twists, turns, traffic, and honking horns. I also know, it’s so easy to get lost on the way home, for some strange reason.
We’ve been to the airport many times, so I always forget that I actually don’t know the way home. The other day was no exception. We were driving down the road, and BAM! I remember: I have no idea where our house is from here.
Instead of pulling over and looking through maps, I asked Siri over Bluetooth to navigate us home. For once, she understood my request, and started guiding me through the roads, telling me when to turn and go straight. Five minutes into navigation, I knew she was taking me down a road I have never been.
I ended up on a straight highway. We missed the twists and turns, honking horns, and traffic. It was just us, the corn, and the open road. Signs kept saying our town was straight ahead in 30 miles. The way home was so simple, and I wondered why I have never driven it before.
All of a sudden, it hit me like a ton of bricks. My heart hurt, my eyes filled with tears, and I wanted to be anywhere BUT on this easy quiet highway. My hands were shaking, and my heart beat a million miles per hour. I had a flood of emotions that were both out of control, yet in control all at the same time. I didn’t want the simplicity of this NEW way home, I wanted the complicated, the turns, the traffic, the horns honking. I wanted to be sitting in the passenger seat, as Scott drove our tired, cranky family home from the airport. I wanted our family of four, back together, the way it was SUPPOSED to be.
I wanted it more than I will EVER be able to put into words. I wanted the past but I wanted it in the present. I wanted the future that has been stolen, and the present that still doesn’t feel right. I wanted to wake up from this horrible nightmare that never goes away. I wanted to take back everything that 2014 has brought into our lives.I wanted the impossible to be true; and the fact that it will never happen, still hurts my heart today.
In that moment, I felt robbed of the complicated way home; and the life that went along with it.