I’d be lying if I said I loved our life the way it was. I wanted it to change. I’m a free spirit, on the move, and always need to feel like we are moving forward. Staying still hurts my soul, I admit. I like to think I’m adventurous, but I’m sure others call me unsettled. I’m not one to be content, and probably wouldn’t even know how to enjoy the feeling. I wanted us to travel even more. I wanted a home, a car that worked, and little less stress. I honestly thought that life would only get more perfect and better. I was totally completely and utterly wrong.
In 2012, I was hoping for change. I started working and started my master’s program. I lost 50 unwanted pounds. We moved our family forward as we road tripped, dreamed, and made plans. Pointless plans.
Suddenly, our family moved backward. Cancer, the official diagnosis, changed EVERYTHING. Then loss. Now, grief and sadness are natural feelings, and happiness feels so far away, yet desperately craved. Life changed, but it was NOT what I asked for or wanted. We had plans. Those plans that are now wrinkled, not quite lost, but not where they should be.
I have cried every day for over two years. I have mourned the life we thought we’d have, our marriage, and especially the person.
I wanted things to change, I admit. I wanted to grow. However, this is NOT what I wanted.
I’ve changed. I’ve grown. I wish, more than anything, I could go back. I wish the cancer never came. Wishes are pointless, I’ve learned.
This evening, I left my garage door open and my car unlocked. Near dusk, I made my way back out to the car to meet a friend. “There could be someone hiding in my trunk, with a knife, who will kill me,” I thought, then prayed I was wrong.
Whoa. I pause. I reflect. Who thinks those thoughts? Where did that come from? Fear creeps into my head every once in a while. This fear, paranoia, these thoughts that were never there before are now a part of my head.
Bad things happen to others is a natural thought. Sadly, I’ve learned the hard way: bad things to happen to anyone. Even you.
I don’t want to live my life in fear, but I’ll never be quite so naive again. Life changed and that’s a fact.