It started with a defining moment. One minute, my husband was in surgery, and I anxiously awaited with my mother-in-law and my stepdad’s mom. We were talking, smiling, and I kept wondering how my kids were doing at their school Christmas concert. The next minute was full of news from the surgeon. That one moment changed my life.
From then on, until an undetermined time, happiness is forced or faked. Laughing no longer exists. My chest feels heavy and my heart hurts because I am holding in sadness. Those few moments of quiet before sleep, my eyes leak the tears I spend so much energy holding in all day.
The defining moment started with a hand motion from the surgeon. He brings us to a small, white room with chairs. We sit, he talks, and he changes our lives, our future, our hope. The once quiet room is loud, chaotic, stressful, and sad. He said the word Cancer, I lost my breath, and the world changed.
I held my head and tried not to cry, but I couldn’t stop. The doctor kept talking, telling us detail after detail, guess after guess; his professional opinion, which to my untrained ears doesn’t sound hopeful for a “healthy” 34-year-old father of two and husband of one.
I thought of our wild, passionate, smart, opinionated children, one with autism and one without, and I thought, “I cannot do this alone.”
I kept thinking, maybe even saying, “He is the love of my life, I cannot LIVE without him.”
That night, and many others, was full of tears, sobbing, and sadness. It was a terrible, awful night, and the ONE person I needed was in surgery, unaware of his diagnosis.
Now, a few weeks later, I look back at that night, and how I jumped to conclusions. In doing so, I killed my husband off. I wrecked our dreams, and killed our hope. However, in these weeks, our lives have not stopped, they keep moving forward: happy moments happen, and good news is shared.
Our dreams have stayed the same and we have enough to last us at least 50 years.
I see a happy family of four in our future, but there’s a battle to be won first. Love always wins, I am praying for that.
PS My blog is not going to turn into a Cancer update, I am just letting go of some thoughts and stories that I have been carrying around the past three weeks. Please be patient, the happiness will return.