It’s been almost 5 months without Scott. He is missed every minute of every day. Our house is quiet, despite the noise of life. My heart feels almost empty, and the loneliness is like nothing I have ever endured.
However, life continues. Parenting continues. Time is not stopping, neither are to do lists or obligations, no matter how hard I try. Life continues everyday.
At first, I tried so hard to parent in OUR way. I don’t know how many times I said, “Dad wouldn’t like that” or “It’s not the way Dad and I wanted…” I used many similar expressions and held our lives to the former standards, no matter how exhausting and difficult it felt.
However, somewhere between getting a dog, Kidz Bop 24 blaring from Scott’s iPad, or letting Ana take his EXTREMELY good headphones on vacation, I realized, this parenting game has changed FOREVER: Some of Scott’s and my rules, don’t apply any more.
Like all families, as our kids grew, so did our parenting skills and ideas. In time, we came up with both written and unwritten rules, such as read before electronics, only 30 minutes of screens a day, don’t touch Dad’s toys. When I stayed home, the expectations grew stricter. Even when I returned to work and Scott was sick, we tried so hard to raise our kids the way we thought was best.
As I was failing at preparing for this past Christmas, a few thoughts hit me harder than a ton of bricks: Scott NEVER had to mourn me. He NEVER had to run a house, pay bills, go to work, go to classes, and raise our kids ALONE.
This game is different than ever before. It’s no longer a two parent household. Our old life, while not forgotten, is no longer here. Although we NEVER EVER wanted this way, and feels like it has been wrongly stolen, this is the way it is. And by accepting that, parenting alone all of a sudden felt a little easier than before.