The best day has already passed

best day-5“Mom, do you realize that you are 420 months old?”  Before I can say a word, he says, “Oops, you were 420 months old last month, now you are 421 months.”

“Really?”  I asked, raising my eyebrows.

“Does that make you sad?  I mean, that’s A LOT of months!  You’re getting older.”

“Um, no, it doesn’t make me sad.  I’ve been so lucky to live so long.  I fully expect to see 500 months or even 800 months.  Since I’m going to live so long, 420 months is nothing.  Bring it!”

There was a time when I would shudder at the thought of being 35. I mean, every day I live, I’m closer to 40 than 30.  How is that possible when I still feel 20 or at least 20+15???

Before I could go off on my “I’m thankful for a long life, and everyday is a gift” speech, he turned to me, very seriously and asked, “What was the best day of your life?”  His face was very serious and I knew he really wanted to know.

best day-2

“Um, I don’t know what the BEST day of my life was.  I mean, I’ve had lots of good days,  great days, in fact, and so many days I wish I could live again.  I don’t know what the BEST day was,” I told him honestly.

What I didn’t tell my 8-year-old son, was that his question made my heart stop and stomach flop to the floor.  What was the best day of my life?  I really don’t know, but what his question made me realize, that whatever the best day of my life was, at the age of 35, I have already lived it.

Now, it’s easy for everyone else to say, “You don’t know that you have lived your BEST day yet.”  True, however, I’m sure I have.

best day-4We had six years together as a complete family. We had six years of love, laughter, tears, anger, and just plain life.  We went on trips, to ballgames, museums, walks, and had many adventures.  Together.  All FOUR of us.  For 13 years I felt the deepest, unconditional love I will ever feel.  My husband would have given his life for mine, AND our kids.  No one will love the three of us like that again.

Now, instead of four, we are three.  There will never be a day in my life that was better than when it was FOUR.  (But, I’m sure there will be MANY good days ahead.)

But the BEST day?  I already lived that, even if I didn’t know it.  As a person who loves to live in the moment, if I had one wish, it would be to live every minute of our thirteen years together all over again.

 

 

About Courtney Fitzgerald

I am a wife, mother, teacher, photographer and writer. Trying to figure out this thing called life. While the road twists and turns, I am loving the journey.
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8 Responses to The best day has already passed

  1. Why can’t we realize it at the time? I was just writing a post about Joey and our house and how he was HERE and he won’t be THERE when we move and how that’s hard for me. I would live the last ten years over, too, if I could.

    • Oh Courtney, I wish I could give you all those years back too. Knowing you and reading your words the last year or two, I know you lived your days with Scott to the fullest. I remember your stories of spontaneous trips and happy days. I know you can’t get them back but you and your family filled them with love.

  2. Jean Marmion says:

    Hi Courtney – Although we have never met, I have followed your blog for a while. My heart goes out to you and your children for the loss, the pain and the journey of trying to carry on with all of that. With that said, as I read your post this morning, all I could think about was how I wish I could feel that loss and that pain.

    I’m sure you are thinking, “you are CRAZY woman!” No, you do not wish to go thru this kind of pain.

    Briefly . . . I am going through a divorce, after 25 years of marriage, with 3 daughters. The pain we are going through is completely different than yours but very real. But looking back on my marriage, I now know (after years of therapy) that I have never felt the kind of love you describe in your blog day in and day out. I would give anything to have known that kind of love. Don’t get me wrong, I obviously loved my husband and I wouldn’t trade my marriage for anything in the world, simply because it gave me the 3 greatest gifts of my life, my daughters. But, to know that kind of love that completes you, gives you strength, is unconditional . . . no, I can honestly say, I have never experienced that.

    You were given such a beautiful gift. Yes, a short gift, that was taken from you way too soon, but please know, you experienced something that many will never experience in their lifetime. I pray that someday I will.

    I hope that someday you can look back on this post and say that you were mistaken, that yes those were the best days of your life, with Scott, but now you have a new life with new best days to plant in your memory. A different kind of “best”.

    For now, please relish in the fact that you were given the gift of unconditional love from a brave soul that you loved in return. In my eyes, you are the fortunate one. Please forgive my ignorance and I hope that you can see it through my eyes and my heart. I know the pain is unbearable and you would not wish that on anyone, but know that the only way to feel that kind of pain, is to truly love . . .

    God bless ~

    jean

    • Courtney says:

      Hi, Jean,

      Thank you for your comment. I feel so blessed to have been loved this deeply and it hurts so much to have it gone. However, you are right. I’d rather have had it for a short time than not at all. Thank for your kind words, especially since you’re experiencing your own kind of pain.

      Bless you,
      Courtney

  3. Richard says:

    I think it is easier to pick a worst day of your life. A best ones are enjoyed a the time and then another happens that might be better.

  4. Lizzi R says:

    Your life has been split in two, like time. Instead of BC and AD, you have WS and AS, and yes terrifyingly hard, but the AS portion of your life will have glorious, wonderful moments too – perhaps your children’s wedding days, or the time you hold your first grandchild.

    They’ll be a different kind of Good, and never make up for or replace those 13 years you so wish could be extended, but they will be Good. They will bring you joy. You will be happy.

    On another note, I can’t WAIT to turn 40, because I have this weird idea in my head that 41 is going to be ‘my age’. And I found this article, which I LOVE, and which underlines some of the main things I think are going to be awesome about it – http://www.mamamia.com.au/social/turning-40-wendy-squires/

  5. Meredith says:

    Courtney, you have got class, talent and grace in spades. It’s amazing the way you can put together words to make us feel the depth and truths of life–just wish the bad stuff wasn’t real for you. :( I adore you and thanks for inspiring all of us.

  6. I am so glad that you had 6 amazing years as a family of 4 and so heartbroken that you don’t get 60 more years like that.

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