Six months and counting

6 monthsMy room is dark, my eyes are closed.  My mind is somewhere between sleep and awake.  The hour is early.  I hear breathing, feel little puffs on my neck.  Naturally, I swing my cold over feet to the other side of the bed and feel NOTHING.  No long legs, no big feet, nothing there to keep me warm.

I remember.  It was not a dream.  Cancer came and despite the hard fight, it won and WE LOST.

In his place are memories, and two small kids that are half him and half me.

Six months of an empty couch that is now too big for a smaller family.

Six months of an empty chair sitting at an incomplete table, and mindless conversations at meals.

Six months of buying less bread, bananas, peanut butter.

Six months of only one dirty coffee cup and no HUGE shoes to trip over on my way out of the door.

Six months of bills, appointments, and having to make every single decision.

6 months mc

Six months of very little laughter, and no more dancing.

Six months of not hearing, “You’re beautiful.”  “You’re my one and only.”  “I thanked God for you today.”

Six months of fewer hugs, and even fewer kisses.

Six months of waking up cold, because there’s no one to put the extra blanket on me as I sleep.


6 months a

Six months of me fully understanding that there’s more to marriage than laughter and love.

It’s been six months, with a lifetime left to live without.

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  1. Jeanne says

    Aw, Courtney…6 months is a long time without your other half, isn’t it? That emptiness/hurt/loneliness is unlike any other. And, it’s rough to put it mildly, to do all those “us” things alone. I remember well everything you mention in my own journey. Walking “through the valley” is no fun at all and one of the hardest things some of us have the opportunity of doing in life. May His comfort and sweet Peace be upon you this day.

  2. Carol Martin says

    You articulated this so well. Death isn’t fair. When you hear two people become one when they marry you don’t get it until you lose half of yourself.

  3. says

    Look at your beautiful children. They are perfect and should not have this pain. I loved your words and felt them deeply. How eloquent and beautiful your love still is.Thank you for sharing your loss and your heart with us.

  4. Lisa @ The Golden Spoons says

    Oh, Courtney. My heart breaks for you. Your writing and your photos are breathtaking. Prayers for you and your family.

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