Until recently, I always believe in the power of words. I believed that if used correctly, words could convey feelings, bring others into your world, and connect us all. I still believe that words connect, but I am learning that it is impossible to use words to completely convey emotions.
I have loved Scott for years and years. My favorite adult memories are with him and about him. However, LOVE feels like such a weak word, because it is more than love we share. It is more than history or memories. There are no real words to express the emptiness I feel when we are apart, the joy I feel when we are together, or the utter sadness I feel because he is sick.
Heading to Wal-Mart on Christmas Eve to buy Scott pillows, once would have been a huge testament of my love, now feels small compared to how much I love him. (Now, you can think I am being dramatic, but anyone who knows me well, knows that I have NO LOVE for that company.)
When we are together, it is a powerful feeling, and the word LOVE is not strong enough. I can’t explain it. He is my happily ever after, THE ONE I chose to be with forever. There is not a word that expresses that emotion.
Furthermore, as we muddle through this illness, and navigate through our new reality, the number of people who pray, ask, check-in, and give to us freely brings out another strong emotion. Thank you is not enough. It does not convey the gratitude in which we are receiving the countless blessings.
Friends, family, acquaintances make meals, get our kids to school and pick them up, and they all do it with smiles. No one ever acts like a request for help is inconvenient and that means the WORLD to us. Cards, visitors, tokens, meals, and little messages of love have arrived from around the world. Everyday, a new message, a new blessing, and once again, Thank you feels small and weak.
However, for lack of a better word, ‘THANK YOU.” We are not getting through this alone, and we see that EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
Please note, I keep searching for better writing topics, however, I am not there yet. Thank you for your patience as I work through these feelings. Writing helps and thank you for reading it.
Courtney,
First, I think this is a perfect writing topic. Your words are beautiful and heartfelt and moving. I have tears.
Second, I can totally understand that the words “love” and “thank you” are somehow insufficient for all that you’re feeling right now. I think it’s hard for any of us to express the amount of love we have for our husbands, our children, our parents, friends, etc. because you’re right – the word “love” just sometimes doesn’t feel powerful enough. Especially when one of our loved ones is ill.
I’m so glad you have such a good support system in place nearby so that people can help you by picking up your kids from school and help out with meals.
Ask one of them to give you a hug and make it from me. Okay?
Sending strength and prayers to you and your family.
<3
Oh my gosh Courtney I am just catching up on your blog and feel awful that I haven’t visited sooner. I am thinking of you and your family and sending you so much strength. I don’t think you need to apologize for writing through this. Just keep writing your feelings out if it helps and we will all be here to read.
Courtney, I think you described the love you have for your husband so beautifully. It can seem like such a weak word b/c so much else is involved, but you expressed it perfectly. I’m so glad you have been feeling so “caught” by other people during this time and absolutely keep writing out here whatever you need to or whatever you are feeling. Continuing to pray…