I love to talk. Some of my earliest memories are of grown-ups asking, “Are you EVER quiet?” I love connecting with people, and I have always loved words for how they tie us together.
However, lately, I have lost my words. I can’t seem to write the stories, I want to write, or say the things I want to say. Simple questions, that once seemed so easy, now cause me to pause:
“How are you?”
“Did you have a nice Christmas?”
“What can I do?”
All of those questions, that seem so simple, cause me to pause, stammer, and then lie.
“How are you?” I don’t know how to answer this. My husband is alive, so I am OK. He is sick, so I am sad. In this moment, how am I? Good question. I am grateful for so many things, but I am also sad. I can’t stop being sad. I am trying to be happy, positive and light, but I am heavy. I would love to be angry, but there is nowhere to direct this anger, so instead, I am sad.
“What can I do?” Again, I don’t know how to answer this question. My words escape me. I am sure there are tasks or things I should be asking for, but I don’t know. However, at times, I must find the words, because somehow, my fridge is full when I don’t actually go to the store. Life is going on, and days pass, but it all feels like a blur.
Prayers are good. We need those. They are always welcome.
I also don’t have the right words to express, the gratitude and thanks I feel for those surrounding us in person and from afar. Sure, I can say, “Thank you,” but it does NOT express how GRATEFUL I am for it. ”Thank you,” is not enough. Yet, for the first time in my life, I have lost my words.
The Cancer Update Blog, for those of you who are wondering: http://scottscancerinfo.wordpress.com/