I love to talk. Some of my earliest memories are of grown-ups asking, “Are you EVER quiet?” I love connecting with people, and I have always loved words for how they tie us together.
However, lately, I have lost my words. I can’t seem to write the stories, I want to write, or say the things I want to say. Simple questions, that once seemed so easy, now cause me to pause:
“How are you?”
“Did you have a nice Christmas?”
“What can I do?”
All of those questions, that seem so simple, cause me to pause, stammer, and then lie.
“How are you?” I don’t know how to answer this. My husband is alive, so I am OK. He is sick, so I am sad. In this moment, how am I? Good question. I am grateful for so many things, but I am also sad. I can’t stop being sad. I am trying to be happy, positive and light, but I am heavy. I would love to be angry, but there is nowhere to direct this anger, so instead, I am sad.
“What can I do?” Again, I don’t know how to answer this question. My words escape me. I am sure there are tasks or things I should be asking for, but I don’t know. However, at times, I must find the words, because somehow, my fridge is full when I don’t actually go to the store. Life is going on, and days pass, but it all feels like a blur.
Prayers are good. We need those. They are always welcome.
I also don’t have the right words to express, the gratitude and thanks I feel for those surrounding us in person and from afar. Sure, I can say, “Thank you,” but it does NOT express how GRATEFUL I am for it. ”Thank you,” is not enough. Yet, for the first time in my life, I have lost my words.
The Cancer Update Blog, for those of you who are wondering: http://scottscancerinfo.wordpress.com/
Courtney,
I’m so sorry you’re struggling. You have my prayers. Really, I’ve said many for you and your husband. Keep writing. Let it out. I think it will help you to process what’s going on in your head.
Courtney, I know from personal experience, writing does help as Steph said. There are so many here for you, saying prayers for you. Sending hugs, too.
Loving the honesty. So eloquently written. Loving you & your family.
Courtney, I think it makes so much sense that words would escape you during a time like this. You did an amazing job of sharing your feelings even when it feels so hard to shape them. Do what you can, when you can, and know we support you! Prayers, so many prayers…
My dear sweet, sweet girl…I can’t find the words either. I can’t find the words to tell you how incredibly sorry I am for the crazy ugly soupbowl of emotions and fears and hopes that you’re experiencing right now. I can’t find the words to tell you that although I’ve never met you in person, I’m connected to you and that I’ll send every single positive hope, dream and prayer above for the father of your babies and the best friend of your heart to heal.
I know, I know, I know that it’s #$%&** impossible to tell people what you need right now. But please, try. Maybe just a request that they watch your littles so you can have some time alone with your husband. Maybe it’s that they watch them so you can take a much-needed shower. Or nap (I know…you can’t…but you need it, so please try).
Huge hugs, huger lover and the hugest prayers of all for you and your family. And I know that people letting you know how heartbroken they are doesn’t equal them knowing the pain you are in. It doesn’t. But please remember that we’re trying to know and trying to lessen your burden any way we can.
<3