When my kids were little, I tried to keep them safe. When they climbed higher than they should, I stayed under them in case they fell. I tried to kiss away the boo-boos and I selected their friends so they would be included.
As they grew, and refused to listen to my advice, I stopped standing under them on the playground. Scott’s and my theory was, “If it won’t cause death or head injury, then let them fall and learn their lesson.” How else would they learn?
Saturday, I spent the day at an amusement park with my mom, sister-in-law, my kids, my niece and three nephews. It was supposed to be fun, but for Ana and me, it was hard to be there without Scott. We were sad. That morning, she scraped her arm, and had no idea how it happened. Then, while I was on a ride with my son, she got stung by a bee for the first time.
As I rode on the ride, and watched her cry for me, who couldn’t get to her, I realized: I have been able to protect my kids their whole lives until now. It is part of the devastation that cancer has put on our family.
I couldn’t make the bee go away. I couldn’t make the cancer go away either. I couldn’t pray it away, or heal it away, or make him eat natural food to stop it from growing. Cancer took over, took my husband, took my kids’ dad, and our innocence. We learned the hard way that positive thinking, prayer, and healthy food does not always give us our earthly way.
Words cannot express how much I hate cancer as a wife and mother; I can’t make this boo boo better. It is a terrible realization that all the hugs and kisses in the world, won’t take away their pain.
I feel powerless, so I hug them, and pray, and hope that someday, we will understand why their dad became an angel years earlier than we ever imagined.