When I was twenty-one I fell in love with a goofy, nerdy, handsome, loveable guy. He grabbed my heart, I grabbed his and we never let go. Together, we felt loved, blessed, and safe. With this love, we created a life together that wasn’t perfect, but perfectly imperfect for us. We each believed we found our “one true love,” made it official. We stayed in love until death did us part.
He wasn’t supposed to die at thirty-four, but he did. He wasn’t supposed to break my heart, but it did. I never wanted to raise our children without him, but I am. I wasn’t supposed to live this life alone, so I‘m not. Through my journey of grief, I chose to allow love in my life again.
Falling in love after losing is a surreal experience. Losing Scott taught me painful lessons that I cannot forget as I continue to live. I learned that everyday is precious, but how we spend them are up to us. I also learned that love is a gift to be cherished when it is offered. It might not be here tomorrow, so embrace it when it is given today.
Living in the darkness of grief, alongside the light of life has also taught me that sometimes the phrase “It’s for the best” doesn’t exist. Sometimes, it’s not for the best or the worse, sometimes it just is. I love Scott, my Chapter 1. I love my Chapter 2. Neither person is replaceable in my heart; both have a special place.
I’m thankful for the life I had with my Chapter 1. He taught me how to love. Losing him taught me how to live. He gave me the gift of growing up with him. He dedicated his life to me and I gave mine to him.
I’m not thankful he died. I’m not thankful to live without him. I’m not thankful for these unwanted events and circumstances.
However, I am thankful I still have a life to live. I am thankful for a second chance to be in love with my Chapter 2. I’m thankful for how we cherish each other. I’m thankful for another chance to love a wonderful man. I’m thankful for a life and future full of messy baskets. I’m thankful for his acceptance of my past. I’m thankful to be the person I have become so I can love him the way he deserves.
I will never think that losing Scott was “for the best.” However, finding love after loss has been a precious gift. For that, I give thanks.