I have no words.
I can’t show you how it feels because I’ve never had cancer. I only the know the journey of the bystander who lives with the cancer patient. I know how difficult it is to figure out the medicine and pill schedule. I know the decisions we made throughout Scott’s journey; and I know how impossibly hard it is to forgive yourself for those decisions. I know that horror. That heartbreak.
I have no words to describe this, because these feelings are beyond me. These feelings are so difficult, I can’t feel them all in one day and be productive. It’s been almost two years since my life was turned completely upside down and I’m still experiencing new feelings everyday. Most days, I deal; but sometimes I just can’t. Not now.
I can’t show you this pain, because it comes with living.
Cancer has physically left our house, but the effects of it are still here.
“Only if cancer is considered a bad word,” I replied.
“Cancer is a sad word,” she stated matter-of-factly.
“Why do you say that?”
“I can’t say cancer, angels or Daddy without tears in my eyes. Those words are sad to me.” her shiny eyes staring into mine.
“Yeah. Cancer is a sad word. It’s indescribable.”
Every single day, I pray that my kids and I will have no more knowledge of cancer than we do right now. The fear is real; and I have a feeling it’s here to stay.
I’m raising money for Movember in memory of Scott. Please donate, if you can. Maybe, just maybe someday this disease can be stopped. http://mobro.co/scodafi2014