A year ago, that
could would have been me. Life was great, not perfect, but probably as perfect as it’s going to be. Whether I realized it or not, I felt blessed. It’s so easy to feel blessed when life is going our way.
On my wedding day, I told an aunt, “We are so happy and lucky to have each other.”
“It’s not luck, you are blessed,” she replied. I agreed in my twenty-three-year-old wedding bliss frame of mind.
Fast forward eleven years: moves, autism, jobs, careers, money shortages, and cancer. I wonder, “Am I still blessed despite the difficult, unfair challenges in life?”
I want to say, “Oh, yes, I still FEEL blessed every single day!” God gave me two kids, who DO NOT make life dull. They are passionate, opinionated, and strong-willed. I found a teaching job in the middle of the year, the SAME week Scott couldn’t work any more. I found my soul mate, my other half, and had the kind of love that many never experience. All of those things point to being blessed.
But now, with the LOVE OF MY LIFE gone forever. I am left to deal with messes, life, autism, and raising two kids ALONE. Am I blessed?
This afternoon, I spent an hour walking around our lake. I walked around and around more times that I counted, listening to music, trying not to cry. I felt the breeze and sun on my face. I soaked in the clouds, blue sky, and colors of autumn. I missed Scott and ACHED for him. I wondered, “How am I going to go the rest of my life without him, without him telling me he loves me?” I pondered, “Am I blessed?”
As I walked, tried not to cry, and pondered this question, my phone buzzed and buzzed. It wasn’t texts, phone calls, or updates.
It was a simple message that helped me answer my own question and it went off over and over, randomly at various times. I didn’t set it, but it was programmed for me.
Am I blessed? Yes I am, despite the loss, the stress, this yucky phase of life I don’t understand why it turned out this way. Now, the trick is to REMIND myself of this because while I may BE blessed, I honestly don’t FEEL blessed every single minute of the day, that’s the human in me.